Dude Looks Like A Lady
by Takashidaimao
Summary: So, what do you get when you combine a Transformers obsession, two Screwdrivers, a rum and coke, and some good old Aerosmith? This. This is what you get. Prime-verse oneshot. Dreadwing x Starscream. Slash. Reviews are adored! *Due to the recent uproar concerning sexually explicit material on the site, I have edited this story to conform to FFnet TOS.*


**IMPORTANT AUTHOR'S NOTE! PLEASE READ!**

**Due to the recent uproar concerning sexually explicit material on the site, this story has been edited from it's original state to conform to FFnet's ToS. I hate doing this, but I_ like _keeping my stories here. The full, unedited version of this story, as well as those I cannot post here at all, will be available shortly on my Y-Gallery account (Takashidaimao, same as on here). Those who do not have a Y-Gallery account or do not have access to the site, feel free to drop me a PM and I'll see what I can do for you. If by some miracle the petitions change the site owner's mind, I will put all the good bits back in. But, until then, this is what you get for now so I don't get banned.**

**Also, those who have read/favorited/reviewed my oneshot "I Wanna Hear You Scream" I greatly appreciate your support, but I will be taking the story down shortly as there is no way to edit it to conform to the ToS and still have a viable story. A copy has already been posted to my Y-Gallery.**

* * *

Starscream let out a groan as his optics flickered online, the surgical lights above blinding him instantly. His whole body ached, but the pain in his chest overshadowed everything else. Glancing down, he immediately realized why. His chestplate was completely gone, his spark chamber exposed. None of this came as much of a surprise to the Seeker. His first mission upon returning to the Decepticon ranks had ended with him pinned under the Autobot brute, Bulkhead. The former Wrecker had gone ballistic, nearly killing him with that wrecking ball of his. Perhaps shouting 'I'll do to you what I did to your friend Cliffjumper' wasn't the wisest of strategies…

Starscream attempted to pick himself up off the medberth, but was immediately pushed back down. "Whoah, not so fast. You shouldn't move around until your repairs are complete." The medic purred out softly, a stark contrast to the rough manner with which he handled his patient physically. The Seeker let out an impatient growl, slapping Knock Out's hand away. "What's taking the repairs so long? I can't afford to be lying around here while…" While Megatron found new reasons to mistrust him? While Airachnid wove new webs of lies about his old schemes? No, he refused to be caught in _that _mess again anytime soon, and to ensure that he had to be vigilant. He had to spend every spare moment he had with one optic on Megatron, and the other on anyone who would run to him to report the Seeker's supposed treachery. He couldn't do that while cooped up in the medbay.

"Quality body work takes time, Starscream." Knock Out replied dismissively, earning another growl from the Seeker. "'Body work'? You're keeping me here for _body work?_ Of all the-!" his irate shouting was cut off when he was shoved back onto the berth again after another failed attempt to get up. "Hey, I'm serious! Primus, it was hard enough patching up the cracks in your spark chamber the first time! The _least_ you could do is wait for me to fix what's left of your chestplate so I don't have to do it _again!_" the Aston Martin barked, holding up a large piece of twisted and torn gray metal. Starscream winced at the sight of it. Yeah, that looked about right… Bulkhead had almost killed him. He vented a sigh. "Can't you just use a replacement or something?"

"I'd love to, but we don't _have _any replacements. Your model's pretty old, most of your parts are considered obsolete…" Knock Out couldn't help but smirk, his comments producing more angry noises from his patient. "What about one of the Vehicon's spare chestplates? I'll wear purple until you fix my old one…" Starscream offered, desperate to get out of the lab as soon as possible. The medic shook his head. "Way too big. It would take me longer to alter it to fit your scrawny frame than it would take me to repair your old one. Besides… Royal purple on slate gray? Ick…"

Starscream rolled his optics, huffing at the sports car's 'scrawny' comment. "Don't you have _anything _you could use?" he shouted impatiently, absentmindedly folding his arms across his chest. His arm brushed against his newly repaired spark chamber, producing a shrill shriek from the jet. Knock Out tried to stifle a chuckle as he went over to the requisitions computer. After a moment, he started laughing a little harder. "Well, I've got something that'll fit you. It's even in your color." He managed to get out between poorly muted sniggers. Starscream was too impulsive to bother to ask why he was laughing. "Fine! Just put it on and get me out of here!"

* * *

"Oh, _Starscream! _Time to wake up, sleepy head!"

Knock Out's sing-song voice cut through the fog of stasis, rousing him uncomfortably from his deep slumber. His optics onlined to the sight of the red medic leaning over him, biting his lip as if trying to fight back laughter. He glanced to the side, catching sight of Breakdown as he collapsed against the nearest control console, his face buried in his arms, effectively muffling his hysterical laughter. Starscream sat up slowly, noting that the pain in his chest had subsided considerably. He unconsciously moved a servo up to inspect the medic's work. His breath caught in his intake, optics widening in shock.

"Wh-what is this?" he shrieked, at which point Knock Out lost all self-control and almost had to join Breakdown against the console. "Ahahahaha! What do you mean? Heheh… _That's_ the only one that would fit you! Didn't you say 'just put it on?'" the sports car barely managed to get out through his frantic laughter. Starscream ran shaking servos down the smooth, curvy surface of the replacement chestplate. He almost couldn't believe that self-absorbed, image-centric fool! "Th-this is a _femme's _chestplate!"

At this point Breakdown nearly slipped to the ground, laughing so hard his fans had to kick into overdrive to keep him from overheating. Knock Out wasn't sure how he managed to stay upright himself, but by some miracle he did. "Well, you _do _have a very thin frame. None of the others were small enough." He explained, fighting to keep his composure. Starscream jumped off the medberth, raising his claws as he rushed the sports car. Knock Out let out a shriek, diving behind his assistant. "Whoah! No! Not the finish!" he begged, holding his servos out as if to shield himself from the furious mech.

"Then fix me _now!_" the Seeker screeched, trying to claw his way past Breakdown, who'd recovered from his hysterics just in time to assume his role as the medic's bodyguard. "I can't! I already told you I need _time _to fix your old chestplate! You'll just have to make do with this one until repairs are complete!" Knock Out assured hurriedly. "C'mon, weren't you in a hurry to get out of here? You don't really want to waste the rest of the day sitting around here, do you?"

Starscream's arms ceased their flailing, his servos slowly balling up into fists. He bit his lip, optics shifting to the side. It was true, he had already wasted more time than he'd have liked with all this scrap. Who knows what happened while he was lying around here? Airachnid digging around his old files and bringing up things even _he_ couldn't remember? Soundwave pulling up some out-of-context sound clip implicating him in something shady? He couldn't waste any more time! Even if it meant walking around the Nemesis like… _This_…

"Oh… _Fine!_ But you'd better contact me the _instant _you've finished the repairs!" the jet barked out, marching past the medic in a huff.

* * *

"Oooh, _work _it, honey!"

Starscream couldn't remember a time where he was more embarrassed. He'd barely been out of the medbay for an hour, yet the things he'd had to endure… He'd already lost count of the cat-calls, the teasing whistles, and the 'haaay, guuuurl's. He'd almost been pummeled to death with what he could only guess was popular human slang usually reserved for the 'drag' community. Three Vehicons had even broken into song as he passed by. He wasn't sure what a 'Glamazon' was, but he was positive he would _gut _someone when he found out…

Oh, but that wasn't even the worst of it. The _look _Megatron gave him when he went to the bridge… Starscream could have died on the spot! His Master wouldn't say a word to him! He just stared with that look of aghast horror before shaking his head and looking away. He'd been ignoring him ever since.

Suddenly, the Seeker let out a shrill shriek as he felt something brush against his aft. "Who _dares_ touch me in such a manner!" he screeched out, turning on his heel and raising his claws threateningly at the massive blue and yellow Seeker that stood behind him. Dreadwing held his servos up submissively, his faceplates flushing slightly. "I-I apologize, ma'am. I… I wasn't thinking…" he offered, averting his optics in a manner one would be tempted to call 'bashful' were he not such an intimidating figure. Starscream arched a brow plate, slowly lowering his deadly claws. Well, _this_ was an unexpected turn of events. This mech was one he was sure he'd never seen before… And what was _this?_ Could this be someone actually showing him a modicum of _respect?_

"I don't believe we've met… You are?" Starscream more demanded than asked, folding his arms loosely under his chestplate, shifting his weight to one leg. Dreadwing raised a brow, giving the slender Seeker a quick glance helm to ped. She was rather confident for a femme, wasn't she? Somehow, he found it rather alluring. "Ah, yes. Breakdown told me you were new. Dreadwing, First Lieutenant. And you?" he replied, trying his best to turn up the charm. Finding a femme with a body this gorgeous was hard enough. Finding a _Seeker _femme like this was near impossible, rare as they were to begin with. He wouldn't deny the strong attraction he'd felt towards her.

Starscream, on the other hand, was hardly dwelling on thoughts of the romantic nature. He stared up at Dreadwing for a long moment, his optic twitching slightly. 'First Lieutenant?' _First fragging Lieutenant?_ He could hardly believe it! Megatron had replaced him with this… this… _Pushover? _Was the only requirement that his Second in Command be a Seeker class Decepticon? This was outrageous!

Then again… Perhaps 'pushover' was a strong word… This 'Dreadwing' wasn't at all bad looking, after all. He seemed to be good at playing the big strong teddy bear type, at the very least. And he _was _all but drooling over the smaller jet… Perhaps there was some way he could use this to his advantage? Starscream let out an amused chuckle.

"My, you _are_ a gentlemech, aren't you?" the slender Seeker replied coyly, not bothering to disguise his voicalizer at all. His husky voice hadn't seemed to give him away at all so far, so why change it? "Starscream. A _pleasure_ to finally meet you, _Commander_." He added, extending a servo as daintily as he could, which, as it turns out, wasn't all that much different than the way he usually would. It seemed to do the trick. A cocky smirk spread across Dreadwing's lips as he took Starscream's delicate digits in his own, placing a soft kiss on the back of the 'femme's servo. "The pleasure's all _mine_, ma'am."

Then, Dreadwing's brows furrowed as he lowered the thin servo from his lips. "'Starscream'… I believe I've heard that name before, but… No, it couldn't be." He dismissed his own thought suddenly, shaking his helm. Starscream cringed inwardly. Oh scrap… He hadn't thought of that. Of course rumors would spread of him the second he'd left the Decepticon ranks, and he feared most of them were true. "Err… _Whatever_ do you mean? You say you've heard of me?" he asked hesitantly, trying to look as clueless as he could. He'd heard the 'ditzy' act worked well on most mechs. Well, for femmes, at least. He wouldn't _dare _try this on Megatron.

"Well, it's just that the last Second in Command was a Seeker by the name of Starscream. I've heard he was a habitual traitor and, well… A _mech._" Dreadwing replied, shrugging his shoulders dismissively. Luckily, feigning ignorance had given the smaller mech plenty of time to prepare his next response. He gave an exasperated gasp, resting the back of his servo delicately against his forehelm as if the revelation would cause him to faint. "_Oh!_ This is all _my_ fault! Lord Megatron _warned _me that my leaving would upset those in the lower ranks! If I'd known it would wound them so that they would spread these terrible lies..!" he sobbed out dramatically, collapsing against the larger Seeker's broad chestplate, staring up at him with huge optics. Of course, Dreadwing just ate up the 'damsel in distress' bit.

"You can't blame yourself for that! Though, losing someone as _striking _as you would drive any mech mad…" he retorted, wrapping an arm around the slender Seeker's waist and pulling him close. Starscream's faceplates flushed as he was pressed against Dreadwing's body, his internal temperature rising suddenly. A pleased smile spread across the large mech's lips, having mistaken the smaller jet's reaction for shyness. He cradled Starscream's cheek in his palm, leaning down so that their faces were mere inches apart. "I must admit to being quite stricken with you myself…"

Starscream froze as Dreadwing's lips pressed against his own. He unconsciously clutched onto the larger Seeker's arms, which, much to his dismay, seemed to have been mistaken for eagerness. Dreadwing broke away from the kiss, moving down to his lovely femme's neck cables. The slender mech let a small moan escape his lips as denta bit down against his neck. He then felt his back being pressed against the wall while a single strong servo brushed lightly across one of his wings, sending shivers down his spinal strut. A servo ran up the back of his leg before coming to a rest on his aft. "S-stop!" Dreadwing broke away immediately, practically pushing himself off Starscream at his sudden outburst. He looked away, clearly embarrassed. "I-I'm sorry! I didn't mean to… I should just go…"

"N-no, wait!" Starscream called out before Dreadwing could run off. As the large jet turned back to look at him, the smaller mech found himself at a loss for words. He'd told him to stop in a moment of panic. Then, fearing he'd lose his chance to manipulate the commander, he'd asked him to stay in a similar bout of panic. So, _now_ what was he supposed to do? Dreadwing was staring at him now, waiting for him to continue. He had to say something! _Anything!_ "Err… I just meant… Perhaps we could continue this in your quarters?" Oh, Primus, why did he say _that _of all things? How deep a hole was he digging himself into? He couldn't help but flinch slightly as a wide grin spread across Dreadwing's lips. "Oh. Well, why didn't you just say so? Follow me."

Starscream trailed behind Dreadwing as he lead him down a very familiar path through the halls of the Nemesis. The further they traveled, the more nervous he got. What in the Pit was he thinking? He wanted to gain this fool's loyalty, not _interface_ with him! Unfortunately, the way things had progressed, it was looking like interfacing _was_ the only way to gain his loyalty… Well, he supposed it could be worse. He'd already established that Dreadwing was a fairly attractive Seeker. The only problem was… Starscream was supposed to be a _femme_, as far as Dreadwing was concerned. How the frag was he supposed to fake _that?  
_  
After a good few minutes of trying to figure out what he was going to do, Starscream took a quick glance around. Huh. Well, if he didn't know any better, he'd think they were headed for… "Here we are." Dreadwing announced, opening a very familiar door. Starscream's optic twitched. That was _his_ room! Or… At least it _was_when he was Second in Command. How could Megatron give away his living quarters like that?

"Is something wrong?" the larger Seeker asked when his guest hesitated to enter the room. Starscream gave him a weak smile before hurrying inside. His optics darted around the room. Not much had changed, aside from the miscellaneous personal belongings neatly stored on the shelves and desk. Dreadwing seemed to be every bit as orderly as he had been. That much he could approve of, at least.

Starscream flinched slightly as he heard the door snap shut behind him. Before he could look back, he felt two strong servos clamp onto his hips, pulling him back against Dreadwing's heated body. As denta nibbled once again at the slender Seeker's neck cables those servos began to wander, one sliding down his sleek inner thigh, and the other heading quickly for his interface panel. Starscream stifled a small gasp before turning around in the commander's arms, draping his own around the taller mech's neck. He really didn't want to do this, but… He was sure this huge brute would tear him limb from limb if he found out his 'lovely femme' was a little manlier than he'd first imagined.

He pulled Dreadwing down, locking lips with him once again. His glossa battled past gold-tinted lips, wrapping itself around that of his partner's. He ran a servo down the larger mech's back, digits creeping into the seams where his wings connected, playing with ultra-sensitive wiring. Dreadwing moaned into the other's mouth, his back arching slightly. He broke away from Starscreams lips, his intake gasping in fresh air to cool his rapidly heating systems. "You know what you're doing." He commented with a slight smirk. The slender Seeker let out a dark chuckle, raking claws down the larger mech's chestplate, producing another moan from him. "I must admit to having some previous experience…"

The next moment, Starscream found himself pressed against the berth. Dreadwing slid his body in between those long silver legs, his servos grasping onto the smaller mech's petite aft. He ran his glossa over Starscreams beautifully curved chestplate, causing him to throw his helm back and wrap his legs around Dreadwing's waist eagerly. His claws dug into the sides of the berth as thick digits worked their way into the seam where his legs connected to his body. He released a loud moan, his interface panel popping open.

"_Gyaaah!_" Dreadwing shouted suddenly, prying Starscream's legs from around his waist and scrambling backwards off the berth. The smaller Seeker sat bolt upright, almost glaring at the other for stopping right when it was getting good. "What? Why the frag did you stop?" he demanded. Dreadwing was now pressed against the far wall, as far away from Starscream he could get, his optics as wide as they could be. "Y-you… Y-you're a…" he stuttered out, pointing a shaking digit between Starscream's still widely spread legs. He tilted his helm slightly before looking down. He froze, optics fixed on the very appendage he'd previously told himself to keep hidden at all cost. "Oh, scrap…"

* * *

"Just couldn't wait, could you?"

Starscream let out an aggravated groan as Knock Out continued his heckling. "Please, just shut up and _weld_, would you?" he grumbled out, his voice barely audible over the loud sizzling of the medic's torch. Unfortunately, the sports car had no trouble talking over the noise. "No, I'm serious. Had you just waited for me to fix you properly in the first place you'd be in Lord Megatron's berth right now, interfacing all you'd ever want, but _noooo_…" Starscream slammed his helm carelessly back against the medberth, half hoping it would knock him unconscious. At least it would spare him the medic's incessant lecturing.

Of course, tuning out the Aston Martin left him with other things to listen to. There was shouting coming from the next room, along with the occasional resounding bang of metal against metal. The predominant quote seemed to be Dreadwing screaming 'You told me he was a _femme!_', the volume of which could only be matched by the sound of Breakdown's hysterical laughter. Starscream sighed as the medbay shook once again from the force of the one-eyed mech being shoved against a wall. There was no way he was _ever_ going to live this down…


End file.
